“You can be a good person with a kind heart, and still say no.”— d.k.
Before August 24, my memories are tinted a gray hue. The noises are dulled. The days just had a beginning middle and end.
After August 24, my memories play like a high quality film. Everything is brighter. Every detail is captured in high definition. Each day begins with the feeling of new possibilities. Excitement lives in my heart.
You make my life beautiful.
“Go and love someone exactly as they are. Then, watch how they transform into the greatest truest version of themselves. When one feels seen and appreciated in their own essence, one is instantly empowered.”— Wes Angelozzi
“You Don’t Know It Yet, But You Will”
6 Months Ago
On one of my last nights in San Diego, my then-long term “boyfriend” and I went to Vons to pick up groceries for a late night dinner.
The man at checkout was the same night shift worker who had rung us up a hundred times.
After some banter, we somehow got around to the fact that I’d soon be moving.
“Well, at least LA isn’t that far of a drive! He’ll always be able to visit and vice versa.”
“Haha yeah!” I somehow stammered, really while feeling my heart break in two. Up to that point, I’d asked him over and over why he couldn’t flat out agree to long distance. I’d gone through all the pain, carried the relationship, figured out the logistics of making it work - all instinctively. After all, when you love someone, isn’t it the obvious and immediate reaction? To want to be with them despite a two hour drive? Even the cashier thought it’d be a given. Why couldn’t he?
As we walked out, I began tearing. He looked at me, rolled his eyes, and said “Here we go again. Why are you even crying? You’re going to ruin this night as always. Why can’t you just enjoy the time we have left? You always focus on the negative.” My heart was completely disintegrated at this point. But I thought, maybe he’s right. So I shut myself down completely. I swallowed my emotions and just went on pretending like everything was okay, and like I hadn’t just been swept under the rug like dirt he wouldn’t have to clean up. This was our routine. Had been for years. What difference would it make to fight back now?
——-
Present
We’re sitting alone watching the fire we’ve built together, next to our campsite. We created this flaming fire that had everyone else’s flames paling in comparison. It took us a while to build, but the sweet, burning wood we chipped off an old dead tree filled the air and was worth the extra effort. Once we’d made the flame roar, I exclaimed how we’d made it happen.
“It was all you, baby. This was your solution - I was just there to help you make it happen.”
An hour later I’m staring at the fire. In my mind I’m thinking one word - “perfect.” I stared up at the sky and the nature around us fading into darkness as it became night. I looked over at the man next to me, who was already looking back at me with unmistakable admiration and allure. I’d never felt so blessed. Once more - as I’d done it countless times before - I thanked the universe.
And, just as it always went, my bliss turned dark.
When is he going to realize that I’m not perfect? That I’m a nuisance? That I’m way too emotional to handle? When will he realize that loving me is too much; how am I going to handle things when he gets angry at me for being this way? Fuck - I’m being too emotional right now as I think this; is he going to be angry with me tonight…-
“Babe. I think you’re still too passive with me,” he said out of no where.
“What?”
“I’ve been thinking about it. Yesterday when we were grocery shopping for our food, and I suggested the hot links, you hesitated and said okay. It wasn’t until I kept prodding that you finally told me that you don’t like sausages that much.”
“It didn’t mean much to me, I just wanted to eat something you like.”
“The point is, that you should tell me when you do or don’t like something. I want to make you happy. This relationship isn’t just about me - it’s about you too.”
I keep staring into the fire, trying to cover up my inflating heart and heavy chest.
“You do a lot for me, and to me, the food isn’t a big deal. I’ll eat it if it’s what’ll make you happy,” I finally said.
“I want to eat what makes you happy too, though. I need you to open up to me. You think I do a lot for you? You have no idea how much you’ve done for me.
I know you may feel strange when I do things like carry your bag, or driving us everywhere. But think about this - you have to handle those things alone by yourself all day, every day. I know you’re strong and independent. However, I want to know that when I’m around, I’m taking some of that burden off of you for that minuscule amount of time that we’re together that day. I want to take care of you. And the thing is, this isn’t an exchange we have going on; it’s unconditional.
There will be times when I have to carry a little more of the burden for you. And there’s going to be times when you have to carry a little more of the burden for me when I can’t. But we’re a team, and I need you in this with me. And that starts with you believing that you aren’t the burden yourself.”
Here, I’m overwhelmed. I am confused - the sweet smell of the burning wood had somehow infused itself into my erupting emotions. Ones that seemed to be slowly melting away years of hardened negative beliefs about myself and who I am. Most confusing of all though, is how the timing of his words were exactly what I needed in that moment as I was mentally spiraling out of control.
Most confusing is how he just always knows.
“I love you. You don’t know how much yet, but one day you will,” he said.
——-
The differences.
